Granny Syrup's Charms for Ladies
by Fox in the Stars
Summary: Trouble at Lon Lon Ranch sends Link on a sidequest to discover Witch Syrup's secret basement inventory, but even once he makes it in, just what it is she's selling down there is a puzzle to him. (Contains cartoon violence, sex ed topics, embarrassment, all pretty innocent though.)


Granny Syrup's Charms for Ladies

by Fox in the Stars

based on The Legend of Zelda: The Minish Cap

* * *

When Link had finally put on his new flippers, swum out to the little frozen island in Lake Hylia, peeked through the crack in the ice and seen the tiny Temple of Droplets waiting below, he stepped back and took out the Ocarina of Wind, rather to Ezlo's annoyance.

"Back to town? We could avoid this sort of thing if you'd just plan ahead," the hat groused, being none-too-fond of flying. "The witch's hut is within walking distance, you know, and her medicine is just as good, or better."

But no, Link wanted milk. It was better for a little boost now and then to keep his energy up and not cut things close; Syrup's medicine would be wasted if he tried to use it like that.

"Fine, fine, you're the voice of prudence," Ezlo sighed, and braced himself on the boy's head in a long-suffering sort of way.

When they arrived in town, however, Malon and Epona weren't there in their usual place. Link searched but didn't find them anywhere, not a single clue, until he thought to ask at the cafe counter.

"No, we didn't get our delivery this morning, either," Gepper admitted.

Chai sighed dejectedly at her corner table.

"Oh, it's terrible," Mama whispered, under the golden cascade of her hair. "I heard the ranch was struck by lightning last night and they're all in a panic."

Link dashed out the door.

"Oh, come now, if anyone was hurt she'd have said so," Ezlo opined. "Go get some medicine and get that water element and things will have had time to settle down."

But Link was not to be deterred.

He could hear the cows bawling as soon as he got near Lon Lon Ranch, and the chimney wasn't the only smoke trailing upward. When he came around front, he saw that lightning had indeed struck a tree just on the other side of the fence and toppled it over into the pasture. Now it lay doused but smoldering atop the charred and soggy haystack it had taken with it.

As he cut through the house, he saw Epona in the stable. She was still twitching but seemed to be calming down as Talon brushed her.

Malon was out in the field. Link could see that she was singing, but he had to be almost right next to her to actually hear her over the cows, who were all clustered together and bellowing.

"It's no good," she told him. "They're just too scared to give milk. I've been trying to calm them down, but…"

But they probably couldn't hear her. Link tried playing her song on the ocarina, which cut through the noise better, but it only distracted them for a moment before they started bawling again.

None of his other tools seemed likely to help — Gust Jar, no; Bombs, definitely no — so it seemed the only thing left to do was to go to the source.

When Malon wasn't looking, he climbed onto the stump in the back of the pasture, and Ezlo was at least grudgingly willing to play along and reduce him to Minish size. He made his way back between the now towering, impassable forests of the tall grass, got as close as he could to the cows, and listened to what they were saying.

"If we can't give milk, we're doomed!" one of them cried.

"They'll turn us all into hamburger!"

Just then, Link heard a giant's voice, like a distant rumble of thunder.

"MALON, I'M GOING TO GET TO WORK."

Link looked up over the tops of the grasses, backing away from them to get a better view. He saw Malon's red hair towering against the sky, and he saw Talon coming —

— With an axe over his shoulder.

The cows screamed in terror and bolted.

Link's human-sized instinct was to dive for the fence, but the jungle of tall grass blocked the way. All he could do was run for the stump, dodging as best he could as the cows stampeded back and forth. Between the massive, pounding hoofbeats he could hear snatches of Ezlo's voice.

" _TOLD you — until things calmed down — but NO! — HAD to have your — NOW — gotten us into —_ "

And as luck would have it, the cows finally decided to huddle in the niche of hillside around the stump, forming a gauntlet of nervously-stamping feet.

Muddling through and returning to size only helped so much with the cows all pressing together, now in terrified silence. They twitched at every _thwack_ that echoed from the far end of the pasture as Talon worked on clearing away the charred log. By that time, Link wanted to get as far from their hooves as possible, but when he tried to climb up onto their backs, they shifted uneasily, just enough to open a gap and drop him down it before they closed ranks again. Between them, he was squeezed almost too tight to breathe as he fought to wriggle his way out.

Close by but muffled by cow hides, he heard Malon's voice. "Where's Link? I guess he left…"

With a burst of determination, he raised one hand as high as he could stretch and waved at her wildly. She gave a cry and dove into the press of cows, caught his arm behind her neck and dragged him to safety. He stumbled out into the open grass and fresh air, battered and panting and all-around obviously worse for the wear but still clutching Ezlo to his head.

"Oh, my goodness! Come on, come on inside!" Malon pulled him along to the front room of the house and let him collapse face-first on one of the beds while she rifled through the cabinet. "We keep some of Witch Syrup's medicine around just in case…"

While she searched, Ezlo hammered Link's shoulder with his beak in a slow, painful, accusatory rhythm.

When Link had drunk the medicine and recovered enough to share what he'd learned on his adventure, Malon didn't seem at all fazed by his insight into her cows' minds.

"So they can't give milk until they calm down, and they can't calm down until they give milk," she mused. "Hmm, that's hard."

"Nothing a day or two won't cure," Ezlo grumbled.

But Link couldn't leave it at that. He'd gotten tangled up in a puzzle, and he just knew it had to have a solution.

Malon picked up the empty medicine bottle and toyed with it. "It seems like… I heard one time that Syrup had a 'charm' that might help. I remember they didn't say 'medicine,' they said 'charm.' I'd hate to leave the ranch now with things like this…"

Link perked up.

"Would you go? Really? Thank you! I'll stay here and keep trying to calm them down while you go see about that charm."

* * *

At Syrup's hut, Link bought one bottle of medicine to take back to the ranch and replace what Malon had given him, but that was all. Any more would have been admitting defeat. He had braced himself for Ezlo to nag, "just get medicine and go back to the temple," but it didn't happen.

"You've given your word to a lady now; there's nothing for it," Ezlo admitted.

Keeping that promise, however, proved more difficult than he had expected.

"A charm?" The witch laughed. "Oh, you don't need any of my charms!"

So the charm did exist! But Link couldn't get it. Not only that, but apparently Syrup had a whole inventory of things he'd never known about, and his determination was sharpened by curiosity.

He wandered around and sniffed at the medicines, trying to cover for a surreptitious scan of the room. Soon he began to wonder where these charms could even _be_. The only things hanging on the wall-pegs were clumps of herbs and roots. The shelf in the back and the other niches held a pottery collection that Syrup was only too happy to show him, so that wasn't the secret… Finally he noticed the odd lump in the green rug that lay under Syrup's cauldron — a lump shaped a lot like the handle of a trapdoor.

The look of realization gave him away. "Oh, you're still sniffing after my charms, is that it? Listen, boy, they're only for ladies, now run along."

As she shooed him out, there was nothing to do but leave, but now determination and curiosity were strengthened still further by a sense of pique. He couldn't have a charm just because he was a boy? How unfair!

Her reaction did tell him, however, that he'd found the right spot, he just needed an opportunity — just a distraction.

 _Now_ it was time to use bombs.

He did need to bide some time or else it would be too obvious, so he indulged a whim and went up to Stockwell's house to see if Fifi wanted to fuse Kinstones (she didn't, at least not that time, but she wagged her tail at having a visitor). Then he came back, crept softly up to the witch's house, and put his plan into motion.

He planted a bomb in the garden, dashed to the opposite corner of the hut — quietly, ducking under the windows — peeked around the corner as the bomb went off, and waited.

Nothing happened.

On the second try, he used three bombs, but still nothing. That was as many as he could use and still make it back to his hiding place in time, so he just had to try it again. He was starting to wonder if he needed another plan — maybe he could dig his way into the basement with the Mole Mitts…? — but then he heard the door opening, finally.

Syrup poked her head out and looked around, and Link shrank into the shadow of the hut. "Now what goes on out here?" the witch muttered, and she headed for the garden.

When she disappeared around the corner, Link slipped in the door, darted across the room, and was down the trapdoor in an instant. He just made sure to catch it in the last few inches as it closed, pull the rug back into place as best he could, and let it down quietly.

Success!

He looked around the basement room. For something you'd find under a witch's hut, it was surprisingly ordinary. Bright, cheery lantern-light revealed a neatly-made bed — and a kitchen stove and kettle, surprisingly; he'd always imagined that Syrup cooked her meals in her cauldron. The broom in the corner, now _that_ had possibilities — but no, he mustn't get distracted in his mission.

With another look around, he saw what he was searching for.

Nestled in a nook, beyond a rug and a low table and a couple of oddly un-witch-like plush chairs, there were shelves. On the bottom shelf were bottles of strangely-colored potions. The second shelf held herbs in packets and tied sprigs. And there on the third shelf, still easily within reach, was an array of wooden medallions on braided strings — charms! As he crept closer, he could even see labels with prices.

"Milk Charm - 200 rupees."

Yes, that had to be it! Not much of a puzzle in the end, really.

He'd just gotten the charm in his hand when he heard the sound of the trapdoor, and footsteps on the stairs.

"I thought it might be you, you little scamp!" Syrup called.

Link turned to face her and shrank a little, apologetically. He wasn't ashamed of what he'd done, and he definitely wasn't scared of her — it was probably better that she'd caught him; how else was he supposed to check out? But at moments like this he could never help feeling… Well, "apologetic" was really the only word for it.

The witch looked him over. "Well, if you're that set on it… How old are you? Eleven? Twelve?" She dropped herself into one of the oddly-plush chairs. "I suppose you might as well see what's down here."

So he'd unlocked the secret inventory! That was a nice feeling of accomplishment. But, first things first. He proffered the Milk Charm and reached for his wallet.

"Oh, no!" she cried. "Not turning you loose with that one! Can't answer for what might happen… Oh, for _cows_? Now that's an idea. Malon sent you, didn't she? Why didn't you just _say_ so?"

As Syrup counted up the 200 rupees, Link took the chance to see what else she had.

"Boy Charm - 700 rupees."

And she said boys weren't allowed! It was still unclear what the charm was supposed to _do_ , but with a price like that it had to be pretty good…

"Oh, the boy charm and the girl charm aren't for boys and girls, they're for the mommy," Syrup explained.

Well, that didn't clear things up. Maybe the charms attracted boys and girls to their moms so they didn't get lost.

Link was still puzzling over it when he noticed that a pot beside the shelves was also full of charms. He curiously picked one up before he found the label stuck on the wall above them.

"Granny Syrup's Stork Repellent - 30 rupees. (Discreet Potions Also Available)."

Of all the things Link could imagine a charm to repel, storks were just about last on his wish list. Like Likes were first and Floormasters probably second, although the Moldworm he'd been through on a Minish path was also a strong candidate — he _still_ felt dirty from that. Even just Octoroks — he felt a bit sorry for anyone who would be scared by an Octorok, but it would at least make some sense. Storks, though? Well, maybe he'd run into them later; at 30 rupees he might as well play it safe, but it just seemed weird.

"Oh, now _that's_ an idea," the witch mused. "Yes, yes, be good for you to have one of those around. You can give it to your lady friend when the time comes."

The suggestion of "a friend" and "a lady" made him think of Zelda, and the wooden charm _was_ pretty cute, just the kind of thing she might like. Still, it didn't make sense. If Syrup had Evil Sorcerer Repellent, that would be one thing, but once this whole mess was over, worrying about birds would just seem silly. And "when the time comes"? How was he supposed to predict something as odd as Zelda being attacked by a stork?

And, come to think of it, why would someone need "Discreet Potions" for that? He finally couldn't help snickering at the mental image of one of the townspeople furtively swigging a potion and nursing their deep, dark, secret triumph: that no stork was going to come to _their_ house and —

 _Oh._

His laughter sputtered to a stop as he suddenly remembered what it was that "the stork" came to someone's house and did — except that there wasn't any stork; how it really happened was something else altogether. Somehow, too, he'd forgotten and pictured a man doing the furtive swigging even though Syrup had already said "only for ladies," and that made quite a difference…

All the quaint, delicate wording fit together and came clear: what the Milk Charm was for if Syrup hadn't been thinking of cows, what the Boy Charm or Girl Charm did for the mommy (or rather, the mommy-to-be), how he was going to know when "the time" came…

And he'd thought of giving it to _Zelda_ …

Link stood frozen on the spot with his face burning red.

Syrup laughed, not unkindly, and came to his rescue, shepherding him back toward the stairs. "I'll throw that one in as a free gift," she said.

The "stork repellent" charm; he'd been too stunned to even put it back. He tried to shake his head and push it into her hands, but she wouldn't take it.

"No, no, I insist. You're blushing now but you'll thank me later, just wait and see.

"Hasn't your grandfather talked to you about any of this?"

* * *

The witch sent him off with a final caution not to wear the Milk Charm on his way back to the ranch. He shook his head very seriously; she didn't have to worry about that.

Ezlo had been mercifully silent up to then, but as Link passed through the bomb-cratered garden, the hat straightened up. "Now _there's_ a voice of prudence," he said, looking back toward the hut with evident appreciation. "Really! Nearly twelve years old and you're blushing about the facts of life? Well, I suppose it takes you humans a long time to get so big, so you stay children longer than we Minish do. Now, when _I_ was twelve years old, I was certainly no stranger to —"

Link grabbed Ezlo's beak to stop the lecture.

* * *

On the way back to the ranch, it occurred to him to give Malon the extra charm too just to be rid of it, but the mere notion sent him into another blushing fit. Instead he tucked the charm under his hat; let Ezlo hang onto it if he was so worldly. And that way, Link could be absolutely certain he didn't mix them up and hand over the wrong one.

Malon's singing had already relaxed the cows quite a bit, and the Milk Charm finished the job of getting the ranch back to normal. Malon just had to put it on each cow in turn to prove to them that they could do it. Link didn't need to be Minish-sized to understand as they puffed and tossed their heads in obvious relief and returned to their grass with relish.

Inside the ranch house, he poured his bottle of medicine over into theirs, and Malon filled the bottle back up with milk for him as thanks, so at least he got the milk for free. Well, not really free — or even regular price, considering what he'd paid for the medicine and the charm — but it still felt nice.

By that time, it had been a long day, and Link went home to the smithy to get a good night's rest. When he'd taken Ezlo off and laid him on the pillow, he lifted up a corner of the mattress and put the stork repellent charm in his best hiding place, wrapping its string around a bed slat next to his pouch of interesting rocks.

"You really should have that talk with your grandfather, you know," Ezlo told him.

He knew he should. But…

" _Temple first_ ," he said as he climbed into bed.

Once this whole mess was over, then he could worry about storks.

 _Good night!_

* * *

Author's Notes:

I guessed that Link is about the same age in Minish Cap as he is in Wind Waker, since both games use the same "Toon Link" character design. Plus it was convenient for the purposes of the story.

Also with Link, I feel compelled to negotiate the "silent protagonist" thing. Seriously, he's the most effective instance of that I've ever seen, open enough for the player to be involved in creating him but not so blank that he becomes a non-entity. And then for me, in some ironic meta way, it actually becomes a distinctive trait in itself; if I peek at the Legend of Zelda manga these days and see Link just _talking_ like a normal person, it rings false to the character. This presents a challenge in writing him, and I ended up following canon's lead, occasionally implying that he says things but almost never quoting him directly.

I had this idea in a general way at first, that charms like that would exist in Hyrule. With Legend of Zelda being (often) such a fluffy and idealistic fantasy world, I thought that they were probably using magic for nice, useful things like that, and we'd just never heard about it because of the games' G-rated and male viewpoint. But the same G-rated viewpoint could suggest that they're not so good at communicating about this stuff (even Syrup here wasn't doing nearly as well as she might have). I may have drawn out the dramatic irony a bit too long, but it's not so easy for an eleven-year-old boy to see that far outside of his own experience, and maybe it's worth holding the games to account for their male viewpoint, just a little bit.

Setting the story specifically during Minish Cap was a mere convenience at first. I was playing Minish Cap at the time, it had all the elements that I needed readily available, and I actually first drafted the story when I was at the exact point in the game described (and yes, Link will be eating his non-words about Octoroks very soon). Once I decided to use that specific setting, though, I had fun playing it up.

Hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
